i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Randomize
