hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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