Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
