I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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