i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
