did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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