I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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