I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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