My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
