How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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