So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
