Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
