Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Randomize
