I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
