After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
