he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
