I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
