Ambien. No doubt about it.
I think I won the penis lottery.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Randomize
