Can Purell be used as lube?
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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