mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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