I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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