Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I fill condoms, not promises.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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