dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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