why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize