I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
