i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
