I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
