i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Everything about him screamed your future.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
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