So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
