My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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