I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize