It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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