u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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