your room smells of hookers.
And success
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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