I will die if light touches me.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
