remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
