i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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