Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
