Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
