The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
