Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize