why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Be still, my beating vagina.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
