I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
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