If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Send help, water and tortillas.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
