I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Randomize
