Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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