he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
