Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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