You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
