Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
