Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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