she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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