somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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