Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
