as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Why is your signature on my underwear?
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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