So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
