So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
