I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
