Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
You are a genius and a whore.
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