I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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