Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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