she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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