What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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