I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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