He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Randomize
