my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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