you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
