Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Holy shit dude........stairs
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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