i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
