I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
